New Mexico Autumn

So It has been awhile since my last blog and it is time to update. In March of 2009 (this past spring), we moved our little family to the desert of New Mexico....just north of Albuquerque. Just in time too....after we moved down, Colorado Springs had massive snow storms and we were a little sad and more than a little glad to have missed them. We moved into my parents RV (rv is really very small). It was small and cozy but we stuck it out for about 5 months while we prayed, waited and hoped for the sale of our home which never happened. In August, we moved to a small rental home nearby and the kids started school. We are getting to know the people at church and are working on making new friends, but we are so very greatful for the "Colorado Transplant" family we have here. Our dear friends from HP who moved down as well have been our little family here...through surgeries, sicknesses, celebrations, and Happy Hour get-togethers, we have come to love each one of them for their kindness, and love for our family. I am very excited and curious to see what our first New Mexico Winter brings...while there are facebook comments and emails about how cold it is in Idaho, and Utah, and especially Colorado who got their 1st snowfall in September this year....we are enjoying days on end of 70-80 degree weather so far so I will be greatful and hope for a pleasant winter season...
We are gearing up for Halloween and the kids are excited to be able to wear their costumes minus the snow suit under them! We are incredibly greatful for all of the people in our lives who touch our lives for good...show a little kindness...or just simply let us know we are loved. Life is not always easy but it sure helps when you know the scope of supporters are many and spread out. So to those of your all over the country.....Thank you for making life a little easier to bear.

Here we are at Disneyland. We had So MUCH FUN.

Sky's a bit bluer today.

Hey I feel significantly better today. I just needed to throw myself a big ol' fashioned pity party. Y'all should do it every once in a while it is......cleansing. So I ended my post and layed down for a while due to my cry-headache and then when Chad got home we cleaned the house together ( I KNOW!!) and got it ready for craft group and the two ladies who showed up are two of the kindest ladies around here. So it was fine. Also while I was laying down yesterday, the doorbell rang and a gal from my ward was dropping off a pampered chef invitation and must have noticed that my nose was twice the size (All you Bainbridge Girls Know what I am talking about). So she asked how the move stuff was going. She is one of a very few who are not military and so she, like me, moved from her childhood home not too many years ago and we had a heart to heart. She brought up a few things that made me think and it was good. So like I said sorry for the tantrum and I hope you'll not hold it against me. Thanks for the good wishes.

Unloading

So, I have literally 12000 things to do today but I cannot even begin to get started so I figured if I unloaded a little I could clear my head enough to get, what needs to be done, done!!!
To preface and a little disclaimer, please feel free to think, "Oh my gosh, get some real problems would you!" or "You did this to yourself," or "I told you so." But please do not allow me to hear it, read it, or sense it in any way.

I am frustrated to tears, I have to take time every once in a while to crash. My kids are struggling in school a little worse every day. My house is a disaster and is too much for me to keep clean myself, so I tell my kids that they need to pitch in and do a list of chores only to be told by teachers, and friends that they are expected to do too much and I need to back off on them. Then the house gets the way it is now. I am unhappy so I send my dear ones to school unhappy cause let's face it, If mom aint happy, aint noone happy! I did this today. I feel like climbing under a rock and not emmerging until the all-safe siren sounds.
I HATE COLORADO!!! I know this might come as a shock to many of you. It is not home!! I hate the fact that my kids are so willing to see past it's effects and be okay. I am not! I want my kids to be the happy go lucky kids they were. I want them to feel free to call a cousin or a friend and be able to go play with them when ever. I HATE the fact that because we are out of sight we tend to be out of mind too. I call my mom and we don't have much to say because I refuse to break down and tell my parents that I am anything but happy and content. I DO NOT WANT to move to NEW MEXICO!!! I want to go back home to my sheltered life where I do not have to wonder what I would do if something happened to me or my husband. I miss that secure knowlege that if I had a crisis someone out there would be there for me. I know beyond doubt that if I had a crisis of some kind in Idaho, my parents would be right there, my sister, and maybe my group of friends. Here, recently I faced having to sit by myself in a surgery waiting room by myself wondering if I would see Chad again. I wondered if some freak thing would happen and I would have to return by myself to tell my kids that daddy's not coming home and wonder why I amin the middle of the Rockies by myself. It was the worst thing ever. I miss being able to call up someone, anyone and say I need someone to sit with and have them here. Instead I pour my heart out over the phone to get, "STOP...hang on...I said STOP!...Sorry you were saying?....Hang on I have someone on the other line....Ok you were saying...oh shoot...hang on...." Never mind! I feel like honesty is not invited! I feel like my problems are so indescribable that short of making an ass of myself, I have to keep it quiet. I need a shrink or something or maybe just a friend. So stifle I will...So I send out this plea to anyone who hears it,
"How do I adapt to this new way of thinking? How long does this last? How do I more fully hide it from my kids because I was told today, "you need to try harder to shelter your kids from your problems!! They are making them (my problems) theirs and they are showing it in their schoolwork and behavior. "
So I cannot dump on my Husband because his response is, "I am so sorry I moved you away...I made a mistake....we should have never left." (guilt trip)
I cannot show my emotions to my kids because I am the reason they are struggling and I over burden them. (I suck)
I cannot vent to my family because if I do,I would be told, " I never thought you should have left in the first place," or "I told you not to leave" or "so sorry...I have something else to do, bye"
I cannot vent to my friends....because the ones I have made here are more critical than my warped mind is.

Pretty good tantrum!!! HUH!

So I told you I am messed up! So I have a mountain of Laundry to do, I need to have my home looking like a model home by tomorrow because my frail frame of mind cannot take the negative backlash that comes when you invite 15 military wives over for enrichment craft group (who's homes ALWAYS look like model homes). Who by the way feel like they are doing you a favor when they mention that the sheetrock repair you did can be fixed by their very expensive contractor who just finished their basement complete with a theatre room. I need to shower but the fact that our water bill is astonomical keeps me justifying my disgusting hair and BO. I need to do all the leg work to defend myself in court because out of 42 people served with papers we are the only ones willing to fight our big bad homeowners association in court for fining us for things that didn't exist and expecting the ones that did exist to be fixed immediately.....Who can make a lawn green in 10 days by seeding? Why does it cost me 50$ in fines for every day I park my trailer in my driveway, which by the way is there to allow access for some friends who were being kicked out of their home to move free of charge. That is what you get for helping a friend.

The END...need to get started doing and I feel significantly purged. I will do what needs to be done despite my soul screaming, SCREW THEM ALL!!!! :)

Update on us

So we are still trudging away on things to do and thought I would take a minute to share. We finished painting our walls only to find out that the paint did not match so we need to go back and either get the right color or a totally new color to redo the entire set of walls again. We've had the holes patched thanks to Dad Peterson and we need to paint those spots. We are getting ready to take a trip to see some relatives in California and have our first real vacation since we moved here 17 months ago. Chad is doing really good on his new eating program with a couple "stuck" episodes, one with a gristly piece of meat and the other with ice. He was in some serious pain but luckily it did not last long and he was fine. Chad has motivated our little family to join him on his walks every evening and the two of us go by ourselves early in the morning on Saturday and Sunday. There is nothing like looking up at Pikes Peak at 6 in the morning smelling the fall air!!! It is good time spent for sure. We started our no excuses walks on monday of last week so we are 7 days strong. We plan to continue while on vacation. Wish us luck!!
Before the surgery, we swam as a family every night but Doc says nothing but walking for 3 weeks (that time is about up) So we will resume either walking or swimming or both when we get back. It is good to have the kids on board with us. When we don't feel like it, they remind us to get up and go. We need all the help we can get so keep the encouragement coming, and before long you will not recognize Chad!!! Church members have already commented on how they can really tell a difference in his face, but his ankles are more pronounced, and not as swollen all the time, his knees are showing some definition too. Due to the blood thinning shots for the last two weeks his poor belly is bruised up pretty good. That is 32 shots total (4 in the hospital and 28 since he's been home). But his incisions are healing nicely and he is starting to wrestle with Tanner again. He gets his first saline fill later in October and will continue to get the fills until he is uncomfortably comfortable with the constriction. We have started to implement good nutrition facts at dinner time or actually it is closer to good eating habits. Our kids are doing great and are starting to tell us what is smart and what is not. We have vowed not to doom our kids to a life like we've had but allow them the chance to decide what they want to change.

Road to losing weight

Well I thought I would let everyone know, I have taken a major step to losing weight. First let me tell you a little bit about the journey. As you all know I have always fought the food battle and lost. Oh sure, sometimes I would win a little battle here and there but for the most part, I have totally lost. I did Atkins and did really well for a while, losing about 100 pounds. I have bought every pill known to man. I even when to the gym and oh yes, blew out my knee the very first time on the treadmill. Every attempt seemed to be thwarted, always gaining more than I lost. I reached my biggest at 408. Yes I said it, "I'm a tub of lard." It seemed that it was inevitable that I would be fat forever. I even flew down to Las Vegas to try out for the Biggest Loser. I must have been too big because they didn't want me. I started looking into the Gastric Bypass surgery. There were so many risks involved that Rachel said she didn't want me to do it. I was almost resolved to being fat my Whole Life. I had heard about the LAP Band procedure. I started looking into it. I had met some people that had it done and told me about their experience. All of the people that I talked to about it, said it was the best thing that they could have done. So I looked into it. Made an appointment with the doctor and started the process. I had to go and see a nutritionist and learn that Doritos and Cheese aren't a balanced meal. I had to learn that it was ok to leave some food on your plate and your kids' plates. I had to learn that eating shouldn't be a marathon. Its ok to enjoy your food. Not race it down. I had to go and see a psychologist about the reason I was fat. I had to go through a lot of prep work to have it happen. I even had to loose 30 pounds before the doctor would perform the surgery. He said it is to shrink the liver so that when you do the procedure there wouldn be any complicatons, such as scraping the liver and causing twice the pain. Now I will explain a little bit about the procedure. The doctor takes a ring that has a bladder on the inside of it. It expands out, causing the hole in the middle of the ring to adjust in size. He puts the ring about an inch and a half from the top of your stomach because that is where the nerves are that tell you that you are full. The ring leaves a small hole that the food can actually trickle down to the rest of the stomach. You can only eat about 2 tablespoons of food. I have to do this about 4 times a day. If I eat any more than 2 tablespoons then I will probally get really sick. I will feel as though I have made my fourth plate at a buffet, but with the inability to throw up. (the muscles to throw up are located at the bottom of the stomach). They tell me I will only try this once because I will be in so much pain until the food actually digests. I have choosen this tool to help me learn the right portions and to learn to slow way down when I eat. I will have to go in periodically and have the ring filled with saline. Because when you loose weight everything shinks. and they will need to keep the ring at a certain diameter. So I went in yesterday and had the operation. I have 5 little holes in my belly. I can tell you that even with just 2 tablespoons I feel very full. I know that some people will judge me for doing this the easy way, but let me tell you its not as easy as it sounds. You still have the cravings. You still have to disipline yourself not to overeat or you will feel the wrath. It was the only way for me. I couldn't exercise because It hurt my knees. I tried eating right but I would eat a lot of it. I made this choice so that I can have a long and healthy life watching my kids grow up and getting to participate in thier lives. instead of just watching it. If you have any questions please let me know. I like to share my knowlege on the subject and want you to understand why I will be the guy chewing gum at the big family get-together :)Love Chad
P.S. Rachel here: I was checking the spelling and grammar and thought I would add in my two cents... I am so proud of Chad and his decision to do this. I Love Chad just the way he is. But you all know the cocky, confidant, self-assured Chad that I fell in love with. I am getting more glimpses every day of that guy, as he is making this journey. He is happier and he has hope, something alot of us pray for. This choice was made over a long period of time. We went to the informational meeting back last winter. We feel it is right. Please help me in encouraging Chad and helping him to show on the outside what is so awesome on the inside. thanks Rach

Just keep digging, digging, digging