Here we are at Disneyland. We had So MUCH FUN.

Sky's a bit bluer today.

Hey I feel significantly better today. I just needed to throw myself a big ol' fashioned pity party. Y'all should do it every once in a while it is......cleansing. So I ended my post and layed down for a while due to my cry-headache and then when Chad got home we cleaned the house together ( I KNOW!!) and got it ready for craft group and the two ladies who showed up are two of the kindest ladies around here. So it was fine. Also while I was laying down yesterday, the doorbell rang and a gal from my ward was dropping off a pampered chef invitation and must have noticed that my nose was twice the size (All you Bainbridge Girls Know what I am talking about). So she asked how the move stuff was going. She is one of a very few who are not military and so she, like me, moved from her childhood home not too many years ago and we had a heart to heart. She brought up a few things that made me think and it was good. So like I said sorry for the tantrum and I hope you'll not hold it against me. Thanks for the good wishes.

Unloading

So, I have literally 12000 things to do today but I cannot even begin to get started so I figured if I unloaded a little I could clear my head enough to get, what needs to be done, done!!!
To preface and a little disclaimer, please feel free to think, "Oh my gosh, get some real problems would you!" or "You did this to yourself," or "I told you so." But please do not allow me to hear it, read it, or sense it in any way.

I am frustrated to tears, I have to take time every once in a while to crash. My kids are struggling in school a little worse every day. My house is a disaster and is too much for me to keep clean myself, so I tell my kids that they need to pitch in and do a list of chores only to be told by teachers, and friends that they are expected to do too much and I need to back off on them. Then the house gets the way it is now. I am unhappy so I send my dear ones to school unhappy cause let's face it, If mom aint happy, aint noone happy! I did this today. I feel like climbing under a rock and not emmerging until the all-safe siren sounds.
I HATE COLORADO!!! I know this might come as a shock to many of you. It is not home!! I hate the fact that my kids are so willing to see past it's effects and be okay. I am not! I want my kids to be the happy go lucky kids they were. I want them to feel free to call a cousin or a friend and be able to go play with them when ever. I HATE the fact that because we are out of sight we tend to be out of mind too. I call my mom and we don't have much to say because I refuse to break down and tell my parents that I am anything but happy and content. I DO NOT WANT to move to NEW MEXICO!!! I want to go back home to my sheltered life where I do not have to wonder what I would do if something happened to me or my husband. I miss that secure knowlege that if I had a crisis someone out there would be there for me. I know beyond doubt that if I had a crisis of some kind in Idaho, my parents would be right there, my sister, and maybe my group of friends. Here, recently I faced having to sit by myself in a surgery waiting room by myself wondering if I would see Chad again. I wondered if some freak thing would happen and I would have to return by myself to tell my kids that daddy's not coming home and wonder why I amin the middle of the Rockies by myself. It was the worst thing ever. I miss being able to call up someone, anyone and say I need someone to sit with and have them here. Instead I pour my heart out over the phone to get, "STOP...hang on...I said STOP!...Sorry you were saying?....Hang on I have someone on the other line....Ok you were saying...oh shoot...hang on...." Never mind! I feel like honesty is not invited! I feel like my problems are so indescribable that short of making an ass of myself, I have to keep it quiet. I need a shrink or something or maybe just a friend. So stifle I will...So I send out this plea to anyone who hears it,
"How do I adapt to this new way of thinking? How long does this last? How do I more fully hide it from my kids because I was told today, "you need to try harder to shelter your kids from your problems!! They are making them (my problems) theirs and they are showing it in their schoolwork and behavior. "
So I cannot dump on my Husband because his response is, "I am so sorry I moved you away...I made a mistake....we should have never left." (guilt trip)
I cannot show my emotions to my kids because I am the reason they are struggling and I over burden them. (I suck)
I cannot vent to my family because if I do,I would be told, " I never thought you should have left in the first place," or "I told you not to leave" or "so sorry...I have something else to do, bye"
I cannot vent to my friends....because the ones I have made here are more critical than my warped mind is.

Pretty good tantrum!!! HUH!

So I told you I am messed up! So I have a mountain of Laundry to do, I need to have my home looking like a model home by tomorrow because my frail frame of mind cannot take the negative backlash that comes when you invite 15 military wives over for enrichment craft group (who's homes ALWAYS look like model homes). Who by the way feel like they are doing you a favor when they mention that the sheetrock repair you did can be fixed by their very expensive contractor who just finished their basement complete with a theatre room. I need to shower but the fact that our water bill is astonomical keeps me justifying my disgusting hair and BO. I need to do all the leg work to defend myself in court because out of 42 people served with papers we are the only ones willing to fight our big bad homeowners association in court for fining us for things that didn't exist and expecting the ones that did exist to be fixed immediately.....Who can make a lawn green in 10 days by seeding? Why does it cost me 50$ in fines for every day I park my trailer in my driveway, which by the way is there to allow access for some friends who were being kicked out of their home to move free of charge. That is what you get for helping a friend.

The END...need to get started doing and I feel significantly purged. I will do what needs to be done despite my soul screaming, SCREW THEM ALL!!!! :)